** Disclaimer: Duke was recently embroiled in an antitrust lawsuit, alongside 14 of America’s top universities and Notre Dame. For more information on the bust you can trust, read The Chronicle’s coverage of the story. Due to the seriousness of these allegations, all names and pronouns have been neutered and sterilized and dried to preserve anonymity. In order to stay on Dad Duke’s good side, the dozens of freelance writers they had to hire to vet me left myriad notes throughout the article to avoid misconceptions. (Editor’s note: do NOT Google “How to Join a Syndicate”).**
In a closed-door dinner served on china made by hand in 1882 (Editor’s note: do NOT search for “china” and that year together) and served by the oldest man you will ever seen, so old you wonder how much Duke is paying him that he can’t be retired now, like so old that his hands are shaking when he puts the plate down, and you’re like, fuck, it’s a little cold in here, but it’s definitely not that cold.
Where were we?
During a closed-door dinner served at Vincent Price’s estate (Editor’s note: Do NOT search for “Blake Lively Estate Wedding”), the Duke University president addressed a room full of cheeses the oldest, whitest and wealthiest while pretending not to notice the angry mob. sycophants who evade taxes. Chronicle sources say the crowd was loud and did their best to get his attention by placing a log in the middle of a river on a sunny day, but luckily Price is very adept at ignoring the angry masses of people. . That is, unless they have money.
“I hope it is clear to you, given our lack of response to this scandal, that we are in no way proud of what we have done here. It’s painfully clear… We should have taken more. We could have added another movie theater in Trinity, right next to the other one. We could have done all of the Brodhead Center glass, not just the front half. We could have funded a 17.7 mile light rail line that would provide more than 26,000 trips a day to residents and commuters in Durham and Chapel Hill and connect three major universities, three major medical institutions and three of the 10 best employers in the state. : Duke University, UNC-Chapel Hill and UNC Health Care. (Editor’s note: do NOT google this phrase). But, if it’s any condolence, U.S. News & World Report finally put Duke in the top 10 “schools that rob the poor.”
A cacophonous clank filled the room as pitchforks and a few of the older, more fragile donors hit the ground. All the tension instantly dissolved. They didn’t need a remedy or retaliation, they just wanted an apology, as all good Democrats do. So they left.
Thanks to the hard work of everyone under 50 in the room, who was just an 18-year-old boy whom one of the donors happened to meet the day before he was supposed to see his recent divorced, this speech was filmed and posted on Twitter later that night. The Chronicle contacted the woman for comment but could not find a Russian translator and her ID card said she was 15.
While the pictures seems badly enough, a group of administrators agreed to clear up the confusion in a series of anonymous interviews. Since we believe in transparency here, we have to admit that one of the directors requested qualified immunity. We agreed, but only after it became clear that he would have no interest in appearing in court and they just wanted him because “isn’t that the thing that stops people from go to jail?” (Editor’s note: do NOT Google “qualified immunity”)
Admin #1 was very understanding of the public outrage, but remained a firm believer that it would fade once they got the whole story. “It’s really not what everyone claims to be. It is his job. He at to serve as the spokesperson for the University when scandals arise, and not talking about it would be a failure of one’s position. I mean, think about it. Every dollar we take is another dollar that goes into a bank account that will never run out because they started a hugely profitable business after coming back from WWII like everyone else did. (Editor’s note: do NOT Google “did everyone benefit equally from the GI Bill”) Think about his children.”
Admin #2 took a slightly more nuanced approach: “What Admin #1 said sounded wrong, but that’s what being vice president for public affairs and government relations is all about. You have to serve as the spokesperson for the University when scandals arise, and not to speak about Price’s comments would be a disgrace to the school and the position. I mean, think about it… do we really need to give more financial aid?
After sleeping two interviews that each had only one publishable quote, and which use a very liberal and liberal definition of the word “publishable”, the day started with a conversation with administrator #3 and ended ended with the departure of all our editors. We asked admin #3 about Price’s comments regarding the crisis of confidence. Him, I mean, they said “You can trust me to smash!”
We asked them to clarify further. They denied our request for further clarification.
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Finally, our team moved forward in a conversation with admin #4. “I actually tend to side with the students here,” which is a first in Duke administration history. “This scheme is predatory and useless to extract money from people who just want to improve their lives in the same way we did when we were younger: education. I just wish they didn’t call schools the 568 Cartel. It makes us sound latin. Uh, sorry, latinx.
Unfortunately, our reporting was cut short when the rest of our team caught COVID at a basketball game.